Joie's 6 month Heaven Birthday

Natalie 1 mo. old

Joie 4 days old

I see some similarities- do you ? It makes me smile.

Cody and I both feel her personality was a little more mellow than Londyn's. Cody says more like his :o) We often dream about what she looks like and what her spirit is like. We take great comfort in the knowledge that we will raise her and we look forward to that special resurrection day.

I can't believe this year has gone by so fast. But in a way, I can't believe it's been so long. It feels like yesterday I was rocking sweet Joie away into the night. There was noise and activity all around us, but behind our little curtain we sat in peace.. and rocked..and rocked.. and rocked. The moments seem to be slipping from my memory but the feelings never will. I have struggled much the last few months and weeks. In a way, I feel like everyone around me forgot. They moved on. They don't call, family and friends don't mention her often and seem to expect us to be "normal." People often ask how we are and say to call if we need anything. We try to be strong and survive and possibly we give off the impression that we are normal, but we aren't.
It is so sweet to hear anyone speak of Joie. Londyn makes my day so often as she hugs me and looks into my eyes and says "I miss baby Joie Mama." My favorite are stories people tell about their kids putting Joie's picture by Jesus or memories from times shared together. I love to hear my friends recall their feelings through it all, even if they didn't have the chance to meet her. It's almost like talking about where you were on 9/11. It's a part of our families history. It's important to us. This experience could be classified as the worst of my life, but also the best. It was a whirlwind 2 weeks so we spend much time remembering different moments and aspects of it. I can't thank those who remember us each month on her birthday or her Heaven Birthday and recognize the significance of the day. Some are easier than others but we have new struggles by the day. I find it so much easier to open up and share what I am feeling with these people. I feel that they care. I know a lot of people care and maybe they don't know what to say? I am not easily offended and I feel like I have been very willing to share my feelings (ask my poor visiting teacher about that).

I had an experience this month that taught me a lot about the purpose of Joie's life. I was talking to a friend who insinuated that Joie came to save me. She insisted I needed saving and Cody as well. I don't think she meant to hurt me but I don't understand her reasoning for telling me that. I struggled with it for days then I had a sweet experience. I was walking with a friend who is not of my faith but nonetheless a very faithful person. She and I have been close and she is always a great listener. I told her of my experience and how I couldn't shake the awful feeling that Joie died becuase I am a sinner and needed saving. We decided that my friend meant well but was possibly referring to an experience in her own life that maybe she considered a saving experience. Then we talked about Joie's life, why she came and what we learned from her strong perfect spirit. We continued talking about how we know that children are not punished for their parents sins (ie. Adam and Eve) and how Christ did come and did die to save me from my sins. I found so much peace I haven't thought about the comment much since, other than the insight my friend shared. I am so thankful for a Savior who did come and die for me. He suffered becuase of my sin- past, present and future. I do believe trials are faith building, and bring us closer to God. This trial has been successful in that way. I love a quote I recently read about how friends help us through trials- help us to endure them, and don't wish to take them away.
D&C 101:4-5 talks about how we must endure chastening and be tried, which is why we are all here on earth. the commentary I love is as follows "In the light of this revealed inside I would not, had I the invitation or the opportunity, go to my fellow man and weep futile tears with them and wail with them against a so-called cruel fate. I am not complimented when someone comes to me and would weep futile tears with me about a sorry plight I may be in and wish I could be spared it all. I believe that God gives us experiences to make us strong, and it is not a compliment when someone, thinking to be kind, would take away from us the very experiences that would make us strong. But this I do believe in: a full, free-flowing flood of sympathy that pours from heart to heart as oil from vessel to vessel; tears shed with a friend that bring relief, that cleanse, that purify, that we may sustain each other in patience and dignity through the trials of this life, and if we do that we will find the Master standing in our midst." I have had that experience with a few very special people in my life. From now on that is the desire I have to help others. To endure with them. To find Christ in our Midst to strengthen and bouy us up.