Story of My Faith

I have never been this bad a blogging. EVER. It hasn't been a priority and life has been a whirlwind. I feel strongly that I need to share some of the feelings I am having. I am tempted to do this privately but I feel as though I need to do it publicly. I will attempt to share some of my innermost thoughts and feelings on the condition that you all set aside all judgement. I am in a situation where I am just existing, doing my best and trying to stay above the clouds. Thanks. 

The reason I called this the story of my faith is becuase it seems that is the struggle I will have this year. I have always thought that I been very faithful in my life but faith isn't true faith until it is tested. I love this quote my good friend sent me awhile back. It is a quote from the April 2011 ensign, "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting." 

I was reading my scriptures this week in Alma. I have read about the 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon. God miraculously protected them from their enemies, becuase of their faith, becuase of their Mother's faith. I couldn't help but think- Was my faith not strong enough? Why didn't God heal and protect Joie? Why did he take her but protect them? It is heart breaking but real. I don't ask it out of self pity or doubt, but sincere desire to understand. I know he could have. But why didn't he? Well of course the answer came to me. God protected the Nephites when they were faithful because that was His plan. He needed them to bring us the scriptures, and teach us lessons. He needed them to be there when Jesus was resurrected so he could visit them and prophesies would be fulfilled. 

Heavenly Father took Joie becuase that was his plan. His inifinite, amazing plan, that is more beautiful than our human minds can comprehend. Even through my selfish desire as a Mother to hold that sweet baby girl I can feel the peace and comfort of the gospel. I know that "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”^{6 Preach my gospel.}I am very blessed to have the greatest Sunday School Teacher who ever lived, and to call her my friend. She has truly blessed my life. On Sunday she talked about how we all need a reservoir of Faith. Not just a little. A big reservoir. A faith supply. We need every ounce of faith we can get in a storage for later use. The time will come when we will need that faith to sustain us. The prophets have taught us what we need to do to return to live with God and with our families. It requires a lot of work. It isn't easy to do all the small things and keep the commandments. I have come to realize that during the hard times in life we rely on what we have built during the other times. The more faith we have the more likely we are to survive the hard times. I know now that my faith is built on a rock. It is strong. Strong enough to endure this year and to endure to the end. That sweet day when I am reunited with the baby I long to hold.